Guide to Ending it All
by Scythe of Dread
Summary: This isn't a play but well it is close enough and someone could make this into one. Due to the dark and disturbing content, this gets an M. I wish I could post it lower but I will post it M for safety reasons.
1. Disclaimer

Disclaimer:

I will be printing a gag guide on how to end your own life. Yes if you are deranged or just plain suicidal then even if you never read this you probably already knew every detail of what I am presenting in this handy guide.

I do not endorse or oppose self murder. I wanted to call it self murder then suicide since self murder sounds harsher.


	2. Preface

**Preface**

This is the self-help book to end the need for all others (with any luck).

If you have failed time after time, and have been plagued with relentless misfortune, or you are one of the wannabees of the world that never became... this book is for you. The do-it-yourselfer's guide to the unthinkable... a must-read for anyone contemplating the act.

All too often, people rush into suicide without giving any thought to the arrangements they should have made. _The Layman's Guide to Suicide_ eliminates all the guesswork.

From the old standards to the more creative, contemporary, and trendsetting,  
this is the complete guide and handbook to doing it... once and for all.

This handy do-it-yourselfer¹s guide provides valuable tips and insights on what to wear, how to plan it, how to do it, how to let others know you did it, and how to let others know they are to blame.

_The Layman's Guide to Suicide_ is loaded with tried and true, sure-fire techniques to insure success, including step-by-step instructions and easy to understand text. The information in this book is presented in a simple, straightforward manner, enabling even the most confused and distraught to follow along with ease.

No matter what state you¹re in, you'll find the information in this book  
absolutely indispensable when making your final plans.


	3. Introduction

**Introduction**

How do you know if you¹re a candidate? You've already got a leg up by reading this book right now. You may suffer from feelings of inferiority, frustration, desperation, hopelessness, self-pity, grief, and maybe even anger. On the other hand, you might simply be heartbroken, or maybe you just broke a nail, or there's no hot water in the shower.

Regardless, we'll assume that you are generally miserable and quite possibly have come to some sort of realization that you have no one to turn to and nowhere to turn. Bingo! Read on.

From what to wear to how to do it (and everything in between), this is the all-inclusive guide to doing it right (on first attempt). If you're really ready to check out, this tome (a tome is a scholarly work, not the crypt type) will serve as your guide from initial contemplation all the way to final termination.

No matter how awful things may seem to you right now, do keep in mind that things may get better, which means that if you go through with this you might miss out.

However, if you're completely determined, we strongly recommend that you finish reading this book (no skimming). If you remain committed after reading this cover to cover, (and you may be committed if you mess up i.e. state institution), then a trip for a psychiatric evaluation is surely in order. Whatever you do, take your time, since this may be one of the most important decisions of your life.

Lastly, please keep this book away from children and the mentally ill, and, in the event that you do decide to go, the authors would greatly appreciate it if you did not bring this book along with you (or keep it anywhere near you, or leave it anywhere where the authorities might find it) unless this book will be completely destroyed with you.


	4. Getting Started

**Getting Started**

No doubt you're anxious to get started right away, but take your time and read carefully. Haste makes waste. If you're overly anxious, you may well mess the whole thing up and have another thing (or a number of things) to worry about.

Don't worry, if you are 'pre-disposed', this book will put you on the fast track.

For now, take a deep breath, relax, and whatever you do, don't be trigger happy! Doing this right will take careful planning.

Running to the bedroom and putting a gun to your head always results in being scatterbrained, and no one appreciates that.

Study this book and you'll avoid having your arrangements handled (and probably botched) by needlessly grieving family members or inept civil servants, and you'll probably keep your head straight (or at least close by).

You'll rest in peace knowing that everything went just as you pre-planned, and you'll have the final satisfaction of knowing that you covered all the bases - at least one last time.


	5. What Are You Going For?

**What are you going for?  
**  
Surely you're upset (let's assume), and you may have every right to be, but that only means you need to blame others and not yourself.

You certainly don't want to be accused of committing a senseless and possibly selfish act - and this book will help avoid that, plus greatly cut down on the post-mortem gossip.

On the next page is a checklist of _People and Things to Die For. _To answer your first question, NO, it's not acceptable to circle everything and everyone, then rush off to the bedroom and pull the trigger.

Curl up in the corner (if you're not already), calm down, and circle all of the things that are bothering you (or did) on the next page. If you cannot find a reason on the list on the next page, you can make one up and write it in the space provided.


	6. People and Things to Die For

**People and things to die for.**

Circle all that apply (but DO NOT check all and then go out and load the gun).

**LOVER PROBLEMS**  
Unfaithful  
Lousy  
Possessed  
Unavailable

**PET PROBLEMS**  
Unfaithful  
Lousy  
Possessed  
Carpet (damp)

**CHILDREN PROBLEMS**  
Lousy  
Possessed  
Illegitimate  
Screaming

**BREAKDOWNS**  
Societal  
Nervous  
Automobile  
Mental  
Physical

**NO PROBLEMS**  
No life  
No money  
No girlfriend/boyfriend  
No marketable skill  
No hope  
No A/C  
No T.V.  
No IQ  
No T.P.

**THREE-LETTERED**  
DUI  
PMS  
IRS  
REM  
HRS  
PDF  
DEA

**TWO-LETTERED  
**B.O.  
VD  
BS  
ID (fake, discovered)

**VARIOUS COLLAPSES  
**Financial  
Physical  
Lung (left or right)  
House or Building  
Bridge Level (above you)  
Dam  
Stock Market  
Highway

**PHYSICAL PROBLEMS**  
Chronic cellulite  
Acne  
Boils  
Brain  
Hangnails  
Hemorrhoids  
Warts (including hairy)  
Incontinence (khakis)  
Ingrown toenails  
Indigestion  
Constipation  
Diarrhea (in public)  
Broken nail(s)  
Gas (internal)  
Gas (external)  
Pink eye  
Red eye  
Lip blisters  
Breasts too large  
Breasts too small  
No breasts  
Underweight/Overweight  
Overweight (next seat)  
Homely  
Smelly (general/specific)

**MISCELLANEOUS**  
Pressed meat products  
Tight shoes  
Toilet overflow  
Jail sentence  
(and the inmates like you)  
Jail sentence  
( and the inmates don't)  
Employment  
Unemployment  
Filthy public restrooms  
Spam (email or canned)

**PEOPLE  
**Parent(s)  
Friends (or lack of)  
Neighbor(s)  
Teacher(s)  
Student(s)  
Attorney(s)  
Boss (or supervisor)  
Car Salesmen  
Dentist  
Employees (one or all)  
Neighbors (one or all)  
Stockbroker  
Yacht broker  
Entire Brokerage House  
Committee (any)  
Parole officer  
Collections Agent  
Bail Bondsman **IN-LAW PROBLEMS**  
Visiting  
Moving in  
Never leave

**BAD PROBLEMS**  
Bad clams  
Bad dates

**PHOBIAS AND FEARS**  
Acrophobia  
Claustrophobia  
Hydrophobia  
Agoraphobia

**SITUATIONS/CONDITIONS**  
Marriage/Divorce  
Blind date  
(is your sister or brother)  
Blind date  
(is aunt, uncle, grandparent)  
Alimony  
Child Support  
Bankruptcy  
Recession  
Depression  
Failed exam  
Failed in life  
Celibacy (involuntary)  
Traffic jam

**LOST THINGS**  
Tan  
Mind  
Job  
Keys  
Remote  
Feeling (any extremity)  
Love

**YUCKY THINGS**  
Spiders  
Snakes  
Vermin  
Worms  
Certain people  
Diapers (full)  
Boogers (under counters)

**LEAKY THINGS**  
Pens  
Ceiling  
Diaper  
Faucet  
Tire(s)  
Radiator  
Depends****

If none of the above apply, or you have more, WRITE IN below:  
  
1.  
2.  
3.  
4.  
5.  
6.  
7.  
8.  
9.

Use another piece of paper if necessary.


	7. Where Do You Go When You Go?

**Where do you go when you go?**

Before you take off, it's a good idea to think about where you may end up.

Christians believe that you go to Heaven or Hell (Heaven may be ruled out), Buddhists believe you are reincarnated (possible bummer), atheists believe you simply cease to exist (slightly more promising), and a whacko friend believes you go to a 24-hour night club where underwear is banned (doubtful).

Whatever the case, you're now probably thinking to yourself, "Hey wait a minute, what if where I'm going is worse than where I am right now?" That's the dilemma, it's pretty much a crap shoot, and certainly something to consider.

So pop your head out of the oven, take the dry cleaning bag off your head, loosen the noose, put down the shotgun, quit inhaling the carbon monoxide, stop drinking the cleaning fluid and downing the sleeping pills - or whatever else you're doing - and take a breather to review a few of the possibilities:


	8. Hell

**Hell (and what to expect).**

You never hear a thing from people who have gone to Hell.

Maybe it's due to lack of phone, postal, or Internet service... or perhaps they're just having so much fun and don't care to keep in touch! But that's doubtful unless they truly love the heat.

It's generally accepted that Hell is hot. But is it hot and humid like Miami, or a dry heat like Palm Springs?

Our theory?

Hell is 'hellish', probably real hot, the beer is always warm, and the steaks are never pink inside when you ask for medium rare - they're burned - and you might be too if you happen to end up there, metaphorically speaking.

Some say "you'll burn in Hell" but does this mean your skin will be peeling for all eternity like a day in the tropics without your sun block?

It seems that Hell is subject to interpretation, and speaking of that, maybe it's a place where no one speaks your language and just keeps telling you 'sorry, no English'. Wait a second, that may be where you live now!

Who knows? Maybe Hell is an eternal repeat of your worst day, or being forced to watch endless looped _Three's Company_ reruns, or that feeling that you have to pee but there's no rest stop for 100 miles. Use your imagination but we're not seeing any reports (or postcards) saying people are having a great time in Hell.

Whatever Hell is, we do know it will be hellish (goes with the territory), and we can pretty much count on it being eternal (which seems like a very long time).

Maybe there's more to Hell than you bargained for and perhaps Hell also includes one or more of the following (in no particular order):

Constant sinus headaches  
Bloating (with gas)  
Heat  
Devils (and other creepy stuff)  
Cheap diner food  
Lousy waiter service  
More heat  
Psoriasis  
Relentless diarrhea  
Night sweats  
Overcrowded housing  
A lot more heat  
Serious heartburn  
Dry heaves  
Rashes (probably from heat)  
Scabies  
Everything a la carte

Bad hair days (every day)  
Sweaty palms (from the heat)  
No free refills  
Yakking, pesky neighbors  
Severe abdominal pain  
Rude, inconsiderate people  
Hot dogs on a stick  
Tax on everything  
No vacation time  
A lot of people complaining  
(primarily about the heat)  
Bunions  
Nose pickers  
Mucus  
Canceled flights out  
Extremely hot heat  
Boils, warts, severe acne

Ear wax  
Vermin (and related)  
TV Guide recipes  
Hot pockets  
Relentless heat  
No clocks  
Reruns (every season)  
Crabs (human and otherwise)  
Tuna helper  
Calendars that never change  
Locusts and other pests  
No change in the weather  
Unclean bed sheets  
Spiders and related  
Weasels (human type)  
Inept civil servants  
Nothing new (ever)


End file.
